2007-02-20

Idealism Lost

I honestly don't know what to make of myself anymore. Here comes the mode switch to "What is there in life that I'd want to live for? Is there anything worthy of my attention, worthy of my effort? What do I really want out of this?" So here I am pondering this while others enjoy a legendary Jarvis Cocker concert fully sponsored by their girlfriends, sleep in to a lazy Tuesday afternoon of public holidays, savour the after effects of Valentines Day and CNY visiting.

Have I lost myself in the process? Have I become so jaded as to be ever the cynic when my friends speak of their dreams of working in the UN, changing lives, making the world a better place and that rot? At some point, I question what has reduced me to this state. Sure, I've often been a pessimist and the serious sort, despite my untimely laughter and somewhat cheery disposition around people, but I can't pinpoint when I had lost that spark.

Everything about me feels so robotic and nonsensical. I'm set on the path for Law and almost nothing else. I have immense pressure, especially from my dad's side, whose enormous family line with all those distant cousins and whatnot (since apparently my dad's grandfather married a few wives) are "concerned" about my future. And it's not like I can just disregard them out of my life, I visit them almost every Chinese New Year (thanks to my dad and his driving skills), and with origins from the small, sleepy town of Ipoh, success is a BIG BIG matter.

I don't really want to do Law but there doesn't seem to be anything else I can do. I quit Theatre and Dramatic Arts, Choir and Vocal Training quite awhile ago. They were what made me love life, what I loved - methinks. I was good at them. But maybe I'm not anymore. The portfolio that I had put on status-quo (to concentrate on other activities that mattered to parents and CVs) is laughable in the eyes of people up there in the conservatoires.

I have started to get back into dancing again. I'm not too amazing with it but it helps me to keep going, I guess. Hopefully, I'll attend contemporary workshops by ECNAD in the school breaks and next year, I'll concentrate on this plus get my LAMDA diploma if it helps and is possible.

It's all so structured, I wonder if it's fool-proof. Probably not. What am I going to do with it after that? I kid myself all the time. Oh, you know, go to Law School in UCL whilst taking classes at the London School of Contemporary Dance (a.k.a. The Place) and perhaps try out for the Drama Club or Choir in University, take the Bar Exam, work a few years of Law Pratice in UK whilst building up my portfolio, then travel to Brussels to audition for a place in experimental performing arts company: Needcompany. Ta-da! Happily Ever-After? I don't think so.

The entire idea seems decorated with holes. There's a whole bunch of what-ifs...I don't get into Law? Performing actually isn't really for me? Those skills aren't satisfactory? I don't have a substantial portfolio compared to someone who's Belgian and learned in European stage directing? Too inexperienced, innocent and out of passion and love.

Perhaps I still have my dreams. But it's fitting them into reality (which I have grown so fond of, that it hardens all that there is to me) that gives me such a headache. I don't have time to do everything I want to do. It's almost as if I have a secret wanting to start from a clean slate, so I can have a better chance at doing what I want to do. But no use crying over spilt milk, right?

I may sound like a coward for not trying the things that I want to try, not making enough noise, having a say, but then again, it's not only my life on the line here. There are just too many factors to consider, and I can't be as selfish as to not care a dime about them, about my parents and relatives, who have supported me all the way in the best education they can give me, the values they have taught me and such. What am I going to give them in return?

Yes, I've been brought up traditionally, and this makes me who I am. But there is another side to this which I, and even my parents are battling with. The free-spirit. We are half-half, and this is terribly disconcerting, to be pulled in both poles of extremes, and trying to find a balance between the two. Some people find me intimidatingly austere, others say I'm the most open bohemian they've met. I can't say a thing to that. I don't even know myself.

I just don't want to work myself to death in the IB and then later on at University, only to end up doing something that's plain boredom, the normal suburban life as a middle-class wife with 3 kids and a spacewagon. There has got to be something more than that and high-end achieving, and that is what I'll gladly work to the deepest, darkest ends of death for. I want to live.

To end off, here are some vids as usual, connected to my chain of thoughts.

Across the Universe Trailer (coming in later 2007 - a movie musical with Beatles songs, about life, love and idealism lost).

River Phoenix in My Own Private Idaho (He's been my source of inspiration since Primary School, somewhat of my acting hero if you must say).

Needcompany...the first to give me a taste of the experimental arts; a lure to the to open door which then proceeds to slam in your face.